omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
