roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
