I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
