if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
