So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
