I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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