I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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