The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
