I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
