At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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