Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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