Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
