i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
