The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
