Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
