So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
