Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
ttyl tear gas
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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