Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
