a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
