If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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