Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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