He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
3 2 1 whiskey
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
