she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
