I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
