Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
