Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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