New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
