I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
