OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
birth control should be required to get into college
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
