Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
