Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Where is the hickey?
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
