im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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