You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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