question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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