Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
