So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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