she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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