I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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