nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
