honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
