What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
