it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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