I've blown a few things in my day
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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