I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
