I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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