1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
