Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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