Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
