I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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