It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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