I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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