wrigley field is MILF paradise
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize