You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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