Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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