I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
