Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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