I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
