I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
