Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
