party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
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