Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
