Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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