The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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