the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
