Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
