I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
