apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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