i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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