Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
