Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
