I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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