There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
